Always and For Never

What do you do when he wants to leave?
What do you do when he says it's not you he's looking for?
When he tells you he will always be there for you,
Then leaves?
Do you strap him down so he never leaves?
Do you beg?
Do you plead?
What did I do?


Nothing,
Absolutely Nothing



I watched as he told me I wasn't the one for him,
Listened as he fumbled over his words.
Wanting to comfort him but knowing it would make the break harder.
Listened as he told me "we will always be friends",
As he told me I was beautiful, but not for him.
Trembling from the cold that suddenly became a welcome friend,
Embraced him before he left knowing it would be the last.
My heart screaming in protest, ripped in half by the one who made me whole.
I couldn't hurt him by telling him what I was thinking.
I held all of the memories I had with him,
Clenching them with white knuckles.
Reluctant to let them go,
Reluctant to let him go.


I let him leave....

Just Need To Vent

For the past 3 or so months I have had to listen to my mother harp on my case. It seems as though it's the only thing we do when we talk. Lately our topic has been my ugly scarred face. I wash my face every night and yet some how I still manage to get the occasional pimple or two. I cant help it. I wash my face and try to do everything I can to prevent them but nothing works. So last night at mutual we had these talks about spiritual and physical beauty and how we should pursue spiritual beauty over physical beauty. One of the speakers really touched me by saying the only people who have to prove yourself to is your Heavenly Father and your self. So last night I decided that I don't really care what any one has to say about my face or me in general because I'm not here to dwell on worldly things but rather on becoming more Christ like.

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It flickered intensely in his eyes,

only showing itself while his smile danced.

Fascinating and magnetic,

Enthralling and lethal, his twisted adaptation of trust.

She didn't see it but I did.

I warned her relentlessly,

recognizing he was no good.

She didn't listen and for some reason I knew she never would.

She said she was in love.

I trusted him in the beginning,

giving him the benefit of the doubt.

His act dissected under a microscope,

Manifested perfection-he was clever though.

He realized what I was doing.

His smile haunted me when I closed my eyes,

Like a nightmare I couldn't escape.

I was immobilized, dazed- by his mischievous smile.

She didn't see it but I did.

He could do no wrong in her eyes.

She was and always would be blinded.

He was immersed in his lies which screamed out.

As elaborate as they were he could never cover his tracks.

She didn't see it but I did.

I wished with all my might that she would grasp what he was doing,

But wishes never turn into realities.

Time will never-can never recreate itself.

I lost this war.

Evil Triumphed over good.

I was unable to stop her, or that malicious cycle.

How could he have won?

Trapped,

His twisted smile will forever more petrify my being.

Psalms 23:1

For those people who don't have scriptures around Psalms 23:1 says "The lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.". I started fasting today and really studying the scriptures and praying to find an answer to my question, which is about want if some might not have noticed. I read this scripture an a thousand questions popped into my head.
1: Is wanting some thing a sin?
2: Is it more of a guideline?
3: Or is it just David's own proclamation not to want?
I really don't know and am in need of some desperate help. That would be much appreciated.

Its Over!!

After a year and 2 and a half months its finally over. That's right Angela is braces free. I have been braces free since Wednesday. I like it a lot. It was weird at first because my teeth were all smooth, and when I looked in the mirror I kept thinking that I would have braces.. nope.
Thursday I had to go in to get my retainers and the top clear retainer fit nice and my bottom didn't fit at all. They tried fixing it with this one thing that didn't really work so the other lady helping came in and tried to soften it up so they can reform it to my teeth. I kind of worked but now it doesn't fit at all. I asked the lady why it didn't fit any more and she said because when they took my braces off my gums were swollen from the braces and that over the day my gums had decreased in size so that the mold that took no longer fit my teeth now. The lady scheduled an appointment to get my impressions redone and get new retainers since my gum would be back to normal by then. AWESOME!! I am excited for my new retainers even though I might have a lisp. HA HA.

Take Your Daughter To Work Day?

Let me give you a brief run through of my day. At 7:30 I had an ortho. appointment with Dr. Ostler. I am not one to normally be excited and anxious about orthodontist visits, but today I had a reason to be. Today after getting my braces tightened and the rubber bands on in a "v" shape, which by the way is hard for me my gums have moved right up to the brackets making it a 5 minute battle just to put one rubber band on. I learned that that was my last appointment for adjustments and that my next appointment which is July 6th is when I get my braces off. The lady at the desk when we were making the date told me that they would give us a call if an opening came up because I am actually supposed to get my braces off towards the end of may to the beginning of June. I am so excited.
Then we went home and waited for 9:45 to come around for my allergy testing appointment. We came in to a little room and they took my blood pressure and asked me a few questions about my health. Previously in the car on the way to the appointment I had asked my mom if they made her do a breathing test. She told me she couldn't remember. I suck at taking the breathing test. They had me blow into this tube that tested to see how much your lungs could hold. I took a deep breath and breathed out like the nurse told me to but I could not for the life of me try to hold it out as long as she wanted me to. After about 5 more tries she asked me to sit back down in my seat. I was so mad that I could not finish one breath test. Anyways the doctor came in and also asked me a few questions on when my allergies first started. Dr. Walker was very nice and was also very funny because his voice sounded exactly like Kermit the Frog. After a few he had me sit on the nice bed seat thing you sit on when you are being examined. He examined my ears, and my nose. When it was time to examine my mouth he told me to open as wide as I can. Well when you have rubber bands on you can't really open your mouth as far as you could with them off. So I was opening my mouth just wide enough to put 2 fingers in my mouth length wise, I later checked. Next after he left the nurse came back in and we started testing. It was much easier then the last time I was tested. It was just about 15 small pricks on each arm, instead of having your back all carved up like the last time when I was tested. 15 minutes went by and we had the results. I no reactions on my left arm. My right arm was not as lucky. I was tested for grass on my right arm, well the grass prick swelled and had turned my whole forearm beat red, and hot. The pricks that I did not react to we tried again on my arm but this time it was not a prick but an under the skin shot. It turned out that all the pricks I had not reacted to decided to take a turn for the worse. After all the testing was completed I found out that every thing I was tested for I had a reaction to. Dr. Walker came in and prescribed me Singular which should help me with my allergies and asthma, nasonex, and an eye drop solution, and an inhaler.
For lunch after the appointment mom and I went to Inca. It was good except I had to break the chips in half so I could fit them in between my rubber bands. Then I drove my mom and I to Pasco to go to a nursery. We found a beautiful Dogwood tree. We bought it and brought it home. While mom was out doing some erans I thought that I should start on the hole for the tree. I had the hole done by after dinner and mom let me finish it on my own. It actually stands up straight. I am actually impressed by my planting skills. I will have to post a picture. Well I definitely have more to blog about but that's for another day.

my daddy

well a week ago my dad and i went to a daddy daughter night for mia-maids. well when you have that many mia-maids in the same room you know you will have trouble. well first the dads had to paint the daughters nails. dad did better than i would if i tried to paint my nails. next he did my hair. he attempted to put my hair in pig tails but he forgot to part my hair so they kinda merged. it formed a little pocket in which i kept my phone for safe keeping. that kept us all laughing. next the girls had previously filled out a survey. dad only got one right in this category.
the survey was as follows:
1. what is your favorite tv show?
what not to wear.
2. if you could go anywhere for a vacation where would it be?
hawaii
3. what is your favorite food?
spinach
4. if you had 2 hours of free time what would you do?
play the piano
5. what is your favorite band?
mutemath
6. who is your favorite disney character
cinderella
7. if you could have on wish what would it be?
a lizard

yes i am a little weird. i cant deny it. but the point of this blog is not really to confess that im weird, i just want to tell my daddy that i love him. I LOVE YOU DAD!!